Recently I had one of these “AHA Moments” where it became clear how I self-sabotage my purpose and/or what I want to do. It was more than a clarity, it was a knowledge landing in my body, something that made it almost impossible for my mind to “bend the truth”. I was able to see how throughout my life I kept myself busy with projects and things that distract me from my purpose because of fear of the new, of not knowing the outcome and the risk of failure, instead I did what I knew and do well and normally what I am rewarded for, because it was safe and even gave me some joy.
There is a part of the human psychic/mind that likes knowing and finds comfort with what is familiar. Certainly, at times, it is exactly what we need, although at this time, in my case, I quite frequently felt anxious, down (maybe depressed), half-hearted and with constant feeling of not being living to my full potential. Resentment and bitterness was a common pattern for me, quite frequently spilling it out to my loved ones.
Enquiring deeper into myself, showed me that: what held me was the fear of STANDING UP for my truth! Once, in training with Bruce Lyon, he told the group something like that: “...the fear of standing up to your truth is also the fear of being put down because of it…”. It was easy for me to not attract much attention and keep myself low profile so I don’t have to face the possibility of mess up and being “put down” for it.
It wasn’t new for me to learn from my mistakes, what was new to me is how I just stand up to things that wouldn’t attract much attention or public opinion and/or put my image/EGO in risk.
I want to live what life has to offer me, I want to be free of fears, I want to live the uncertainty of the question, I want to make a difference and I’m ready to stand up for myself and be put down if what I say or do is not in alignment.
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